Happy Valentine's Day, my little one! It's just too perfect to be spending this day of love with you. Your dad has to work today so I asked you this morning to be my Valentine.
You've been so active this week and you're starting new movements that feel like you're trying to walk inside of me rather than just kicking. Last night you were stretching and put your foot straight up. You just left it there for a moment leaving the cutest little bulge right above my belly button. I can tell you're getting bigger which is nothing but wonderful for us!
We hit two big milestones tomorrow:
1. You're 30 weeks along! From the moment we learned of our complicated pregnancy, our goal was to reach the 30 week mark. This seemed so far away when we were just at 20 weeks. We've been through alot since that time, but every moment that you have stayed safe and healthy inside me is another moment that I can praise the Lord and another moment that brings us closer to giving you a better chance at life. We did have a little scare a few nights ago when I started to have very regular contractions and needed to be transferred to the triage room for further evaluation. It turned out everything was okay and I just needed to get some IV fluids overnight to help keep us hydrated. Hopefully, that won't happen again and you will stay nice and quiet for the next 6 weeks!
2. We've been in the hospital for 2 whole weeks! Not gonna lie, I was completely devastated when we had to be admitted again. The first week of the admission really flew by in a blur. This was probably for several reasons to include being emotionally drained, my steroid psychosis (which started this blog), getting a picc line, and being sleep deprived. I remember one day in particular that I didn't do anything the entire day other than just laying in bed. I didn't even turn on the TV or attempt to read a book, I just needed to lay there. My mood began to change on day 3 and has only gotten better. This past week I have stayed busy with visitors and starting a new research project. Although everyday is fairly similar to the last, I try to do something different everyday and I try to give myself things to look forward to. Sometimes all you have to look forward to in the short term is when the next meal is delivered, but in the long run I get to look forward to seeing you. I've never been very good at delayed gratification, but in this circumstance, the longer I can wait the happier we will both be!
Yesterday I watched a video posted on the internet from one of my Chi-O sisters of her baby boy that was born at 32 weeks. She and her husband documented her hospital stay, her c-section, and his stay in the NICU with a wonderful video. I cried through the whole thing, but it was so inspirational especially considering how well he is doing. Hopefully we won't have to go through that, but I did take a tour of the NICU the other day just so I would be prepared. I felt one of the scariest things would be for you to go to the NICU after delivery and I wouldn't be able to go with you and not knowing where you are or what was happening to you.
I must say, Cade, you have given me one of the most memorable Valentine's Days ever! You have already blessed my life in so many ways and you have taught me more about love than I even knew possible. You have taught me what it is like to love selflessly, without expectations, and with patience! I love you to the moon and stars and back.
Love,
Mom
1 Corinthians 13
If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Third Times A Charm
It's just turned 3:30 am. I can't sleep. I'm not sure if it's because of the steroids, my emotions, or both. It hasn't been an easy 28 weeks and it's probably only going to get more challenging. This is our third admission to the hospital and we'll be here until I see your lovely face; hopefully it won't be for another 8 weeks and our life will be uneventful until then. I feel so emotionally broken right now, but every time I feel your sweet little kicks I am so relieved and so happy that you are healthy and it makes me feel as if we can get through this. Everyday you thump a little harder, you respond to voices, and you really hate it when they try to put us on the contraction monitor... Cade, I love you so much! It's amazing how your heart can just double in size and be so capable of loving something that you've never even seen. The moment the doctor called me at home to tell me that I was pregnant I started laughing. I was so overwhelmed with joy that laughing just seemed like the right reaction. Your dad was at the working at the hospital and when I called him he started laughing, too. I was so worried about you in those first few weeks because I was so sick. I had a bad reaction to the hormones which caused my stomach swell with fluid, making it hard to breath, hard to eat, and hard to move. I was so scared that I would lose you so early, but thank goodness we made it through. In order to calm myself that you were doing okay and for some entertainment, I would frequently grab the ultrasound machine from the ICU when I was on-call and look at you even for hours at a time. I remember one morning I wasn't feeling well and was particularly concerned. You were 12 weeks along and I knew that I would feel reassured if I could see you move. After poking at you for a little while with the ultrasound probe, you stirred and put your right arm up above your head and then quickly put it back down. I just stopped and thanked God right then and there. That was such a reassuring moment! I felt as if I could finally exhale after these first 12 weeks and head into the second trimester with confidence that you were a fighter. I found out that you were a boy when I was playing with the u/s when you were about 16 or 17 weeks along. I really didn't mean to find out, but you weren't exactly hiding it! I called your dad at home to tell him and he was so excited! I remember him telling me, "His whole life has just flashed before my eyes...growing up, playing baseball, going to OSU!" I know he's so proud to have a son and I know that I wouldn't have it any other way.
So why are we in the hospital?
"But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children" Psalm 103:17
Love,
Mom
So why are we in the hospital?
- December 5, 2010: It was a Sunday and I had to go to work at 5:00pm. You were 19 weeks and 5 days old. Your dad and I were getting dressed to go Christmas shopping at the mall. Just before leaving, I decided to go to the bathroom one last time. What happened next has changed the course of our lives over the last 3 months--I was spotting. Intially, it was very little, but I was terrified. I was so scared that I was having a miscarriage. I put myself on bedrest, started drinking lots of water, and called someone in to work for me that night. All seemed to be okay and I thought it was a false alarm until 4:30 pm when I had a gush of dark blood. Your dad rushed me into the hospital where I was diagnosed with placenta previa meaning your placenta that gives you all of your blood, oxygen, and nutrition had implanted right over my cervix. I was admitted to the hospital for two days while they made sure the bleeding had stopped and then sent me home to be on bedrest through Christmas.
- December 14th, 2010: I've been home now for 9 days and have had no more bleeding and no more complications. We had been reassured by the physicians that this condition typically resolves over time as you and the uterus continue to grow; so I was feeling better and figured I would likely return to work after my next appointment on the 30th. God had other plans. Around 12:00, I went to the bathroom and had a large gush of bright red blood. Your dad was at work and I had no way to the hospital. I tried to call him but his phone had died and his pager wasn't working. I was frantically trying to talk to the hospital operator to overhead page him and I was trying to page him over the computer at the same time. Finally he responded and rushed home to get me to the hospital. By the time we got to the hospital, I had lost quite a bit of blood, but luckily both you and I were doing OK. On the u/s in the triage room, the doctor told me that you were happy and kicking away completely oblivious to everything that was happening. I was admitted to the hospital and monitored for 9 days. It was definitely a scary time, because you were still too young to survive outside of the womb and the physicians were preparing us for the worst. We were having to make decisions about whether we would even attempt to rescue you should you need to be delivered. Our whole family was praying like crazy and day-by-day we continued to get better. Everyday was like an opportunity for you to grow more, become stronger, and have a better chance at life. Your MeMe and PaPa C even drove up to Maryland to have Christmas with us in the hospital. Eventually, I went home under the care of your dad and Lovey came up, too. The doctor eventually cleared me to get up out of bed and by January 20th, I was allowed to return to half-day clinic work. I was so exhausted after having been in bed for 6 weeks that even getting dressed, driving into work, and walking to my office completly drained all of my energy. It took the whole weekend to recuperate. Over the next week or so I began to get a little stronger and so did you.
- February 1, 2011: You are exactly 28 weeks along. We've been going to work now for about 2 weeks and are doing pretty well. Everyday that I look in the mirror I feel a little bigger and you're beginning to have a sleep/wake cycle. Your most active times are right before we go to bed...looks like you've got your dad's night owl genes! On this day we had two appointments. One appointment was with the specialist to have our 28 week u/s to see if the placenta had moved and the other was just a rouine check for labs and such. I had such high spirits going into the appointment because we had been doing so well without any bleeding. I was sure that the placenta had moved and that we would be cleared for the pregnancy to be smooth sailing. However, the news I received was anything but! Instead of the placenta moving, it had stayed right on the edge of the cervix. While looking a little more closely at the placenta, the doctor realized that your umbilical cord was also attached at the end of the placenta nearly on the cervix. His face became very worrisome and he said he wanted to move me into a different room to get a closer look with a different type of u/s. The pictures confirmed what he thought. Even though we weren't having any symptoms, he said that we needed to be admitted directly into the hospital for the duration of the pregnancy! I was completely devastated! I tried to keep it together as long as I could, but when they escorted me to my (unfortunately shared) room, I just layed down in the fetal position and bawled my eyes out... I can't even remember the last time I cried so hard. So I've been through a cycle of emotions over the last 2 days from devastation to denial then kinda angry about it today and hopefully come to terms with it soon.
"But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children" Psalm 103:17
Love,
Mom
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