Third Times A Charm

It's just turned 3:30 am.  I can't sleep.  I'm not sure if it's because of the steroids, my emotions, or both.  It hasn't been an easy 28 weeks and it's probably only going to get more challenging.  This is our third admission to the hospital and we'll be here until I see your lovely face; hopefully it won't be for another 8 weeks and our life will be uneventful until then.  I feel so emotionally broken right now, but every time I feel your sweet little kicks I am so relieved and so happy that you are healthy and it makes me feel as if we can get through this.  Everyday you thump a little harder, you respond to voices, and you really hate it when they try to put us on the contraction monitor... Cade, I love you so much!  It's amazing how your heart can just double in size and be so capable of loving something that you've never even seen.  The moment the doctor called me at home to tell me that I was pregnant I started laughing.  I was so overwhelmed with joy that laughing just seemed like the right reaction.  Your dad was at the working at the hospital and when I called him he started laughing, too.  I was so worried about you in those first few weeks because I was so sick.  I had a bad reaction to the hormones which caused my stomach swell with fluid, making it hard to breath, hard to eat, and hard to move.  I was so scared that I would lose you so early, but thank goodness we made it through.  In order to calm myself that you were doing okay and for some entertainment, I would frequently grab the ultrasound machine from the ICU when I was on-call and look at you even for hours at a time.  I remember one morning I wasn't feeling well and was particularly concerned.  You were 12 weeks along and I knew that I would feel reassured if I could see you move.  After poking at you for a little while with the ultrasound probe, you stirred and put your right arm up above your head and then quickly put it back down.  I just stopped and thanked God right then and there.  That was such a reassuring moment!  I felt as if I could finally exhale after these first 12 weeks and head into the second trimester with confidence that you were a fighter.  I found out that you were a boy when I was playing with the u/s when you were about 16 or 17 weeks along.  I really didn't mean to find out, but you weren't exactly hiding it!  I called your dad at home to tell him and he was so excited!  I remember him telling me, "His whole life has just flashed before my eyes...growing up, playing baseball, going to OSU!"  I know he's so proud to have a son and I know that I wouldn't have it any other way. 

So why are we in the hospital?  

• December 5, 2010:  It was a Sunday and I had to go to work at 5:00pm.  You were 19 weeks and 5 days old.  Your dad and I were getting dressed to go Christmas shopping at the mall.  Just before leaving, I decided to go to the bathroom one last time.  What happened next has changed the course of our lives over the last 3 months--I was spotting.  Intially, it was very little, but I was terrified.  I was so scared that I was having a miscarriage.  I put myself on bedrest, started drinking lots of water, and called someone in to work for me that night.   All seemed to be okay and I thought it was a false alarm until 4:30 pm when I had a gush of dark blood.  Your dad rushed me into the hospital where I was diagnosed with placenta previa meaning your placenta that gives you all of your blood, oxygen, and nutrition had implanted right over my cervix.  I was admitted to the hospital for two days while they made sure the bleeding had stopped and then sent me home to be on bedrest through Christmas.
• December 14th, 2010: I've been home now for 9 days and have had no more bleeding and no more complications.  We had been reassured by the physicians that this condition typically resolves over time as you and the uterus continue to grow; so I was feeling better and figured I would likely return to work after my next appointment on the 30th.  God had other plans.  Around 12:00, I went to the bathroom and had a large gush of bright red blood.  Your dad was at work and I had no way to the hospital.  I tried to call him but his phone had died and his pager wasn't working.  I was frantically trying to talk to the hospital operator to overhead page him and I was trying to page him over the computer at the same time.  Finally he responded and rushed home to get me to the hospital.  By the time we got to the hospital, I had lost quite a bit of blood, but luckily both you and I were doing OK.  On the u/s in the triage room, the doctor told me that you were happy and kicking away completely oblivious to everything that was happening.  I was admitted to the hospital and monitored for 9 days.  It was definitely a scary time, because you were still too young to survive outside of the womb and the physicians were preparing us for the worst.  We were having to make decisions about whether we would even attempt to rescue you should you need to be delivered.  Our whole family was praying like crazy and day-by-day we continued to get better.  Everyday was like an opportunity for you to grow more, become stronger, and have a better chance at life.  Your MeMe and PaPa C even drove up to Maryland to have Christmas with us in the hospital.  Eventually, I went home under the care of your dad and Lovey came up, too.  The doctor eventually cleared me to get up out of bed and by January 20th, I was allowed to return to half-day clinic work.  I was so exhausted after having been in bed for 6 weeks that even getting dressed, driving into work, and walking to my office completly drained all of my energy.  It took the whole weekend to recuperate.  Over the next week or so I began to get a little stronger and so did you.
• February 1, 2011:  You are exactly 28 weeks along.  We've been going to work now for about 2 weeks and are doing pretty well.  Everyday that I look in the mirror I feel a little bigger and you're beginning to have a sleep/wake cycle.  Your most active times are right before we go to bed...looks like you've got your dad's night owl genes!  On this day we had two appointments.  One appointment was with the specialist to have our 28 week u/s to see if the placenta had moved and the other was just a rouine check for labs and such.  I had such high spirits going into the appointment because we had been doing so well without any bleeding.  I was sure that the placenta had moved and that we would be cleared for the pregnancy to be smooth sailing.  However, the news I received was anything but!  Instead of the placenta moving, it had stayed right on the edge of the cervix.  While looking a little more closely at the placenta, the doctor realized that your umbilical cord was also attached at the end of the placenta nearly on the cervix.  His face became very worrisome and he said he wanted to move me into a different room to get a closer look with a different type of u/s.  The pictures confirmed what he thought.  Even though we weren't having any symptoms, he said that we needed to be admitted directly into the hospital for the duration of the pregnancy!  I was completely devastated!  I tried to keep it together as long as I could, but when they escorted me to my (unfortunately shared) room, I just layed down in the fetal position and bawled my eyes out... I can't even remember the last time I cried so hard. So I've been through a cycle of emotions over the last 2 days from devastation to denial then kinda angry about it today and hopefully come to terms with it soon.

That's why I'm writing these letters.  I think I need an outlet for my emotions and I need you to know that you are the center of my thoughts and prayers.  It hasn't been an easy road and you don't even know who I am yet, but I am someone who loves you to the full extent that a person can love another.  Your dad's and my love for you surpasses anything that you will be able to comprehend for years to come.  We promise to pray over you, to pray with you, and hopefully set an example of God's love.  Always look to God first and foremost in your life and know that he has a very specific plan for you, Cade!  He has brought us a long way so far, and we will continue to rely on Him. 

"But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children"  Psalm 103:17

Love,
Mom